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[18 Mar 2006|09:23pm] |
4 months. 18 years.
1 year, 9 months... the rest of my life.
everything has changed so much for me in the past 2 years. but why is everyone else exactly the same as i left them? doesn't anyone grow up? hm.
so, yes. i am pregnant. 4 months along. it's kind of fun. the problem is, we can't think of any names. i just wish we could have been married before the baby came about. i kind of hate that it's not all... you know. "right".
what's with all this myspace crap? people are really just stuck in the internet. wow. isn't there something better to do? like fishing. or camping. or just hanging out with friends. people spend way too much time on the computer. hell, i just got on here to confirm some rumors, seeing as how people still talk about me.
no herpes. no drug dealing. no prostitution. nothing like that at all. i've been stuck by chico's side since the first day. we got rid of all our friends and got a house. we became very much domesticated. we are happy, good little people.
so screw everyone else. i'd just like to say, good luck to all of you. well, honestly, how many people are actually going to read this? maybe 3. or 4. but good luck to you!
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[05 Jan 2006|02:13pm] |
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mood |
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Well. We had the BIGGEST FIGHT EVER last night... complete with screaming and throwing things and burning things and threats. I was so close to calling the cops and he was so close to just snapping my neck. And later on that night, he proposed. *dreamy sigh*
So my new engagement ring looks perfect against my tattoo. It has seven diamonds in a flower shape. I was worried that a ring just wouldn’t look right with the tattoo, but it looks surprisingly lovely.
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[06 Aug 2005|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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deftones! |
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i tried to leave him again last night.
he wouldn't let me.
but he bought me a couple bouquets of roses, and stripped me down to hold me. so i guess we're okay.
and today he let me pick out new clothes for him. now he's a skater/preppy/punk with evil ass tattoos. i must say, he looks hot. especially with a short, trim beard.
and tonight, we're going to the strip club.
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[20 Jul 2005|08:51am] |
so... we're trying to get this house out in warrenton.
the only problem would be that he has very bad credit. but mine is super good... so i don't know if it will balance out, or if the landlord will decide to not trust us.
but anyways, time for more stupid girly crying about boy stuff.
how did he do this?!? i can't even look at another guy without feeling terribly guilty. he can sit there and stare at every girl in the place, but if i see someone else looking at me, i freak out and tell chico and he takes care of it. what the hell.
i will not marry him until i can trust him drunk.
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[13 Jul 2005|03:08pm] |
okay.
i've made peace with everything.
i've made peace with paris hilton; gwen stefani; meg ryan.
i've made peace with ashley.
with the tattoo of his wife.
with his wandering eyes.
with his wandering tongue.
with this relationship that's going nowhere.
with my new attitude and new idea of how i should be.
with the realization that it will never be the same as it was. ever.
with the fact that my old friends will never forgive me for all i've done.
with no prozac.
with no friends.
with no... well, the "L" word.
*sigh*
i just hate feeling so jealous all the time. he doesn't care! that damn bastard! i need to kill him or something.
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[09 Jul 2005|01:07pm] |
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he taught me to stand up for myself and don't submit to everyone. but now, he "wants his little girl back". ???
finally, i am confident enough to yell back at him, and now i should stop? i should just shy away from things again? act all emo and scared all the time?
well, i love him. so i guess this is goodbye to big, tough april.
where's all my radiohead?!?!?
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[26 May 2005|12:36pm] |
that bastard. he KNOWS he controls me. he knows he can do anything he wants and i won't leave him.
TIM!!! i don't know if you know what chico looks like, but if you ever think you see him...maybe try to avoid him. :(
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[14 May 2005|11:15am] |
ah.
marriage? i can't marry him. he's an alcoholic. we're completely opposite of each other. i have no idea how we've worked out this long. i don't want to get married! i'm still young. i've still got a lot of leaving left to do. but... what difference would marriage make? if we're acting like it already, and i'm going to be with him wherever we go, then being married is just, maybe, a piece of paper.
i think i could just be afraid of the commitment. because, if i ever want to leave him or he wants to leave me, then that's just it. it's over. no divorce, no splitting shit up, just gone. but! that could mean that we will both be willing to try and make it better if we ever want to break up. it's saying that no matter what, we will be forever. and shit will happen, but we'd get through it.
marriage? i've already got the ring. and he's never going to let me leave him, anyways. i couldn't when i've tried and i've definitely regretted trying. so it seems as though i've got no way out. what else is there to do?
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[02 Jun 2004|02:05pm] |
lalalalalala
okay. i've been hanging out with a "crowd", i guess you could call it. but one guy in this new crowd is apparently really into me. i didn't even flirt with him or anything! seriously. i barely even talk. i think everyone knows how shy i am with people i don't know. he thinks i'm like, perfect or something (so i've heard). then he told somebody that he'll kill my boyfriend. i'm not too sure what is happening here. i've said maybe...10 sentences to him altogether. i mean, this definitely is flattering. but it's not necessary. come on.
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[01 Jun 2004|12:45am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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i went to the gold mind squad concert thing with steph. it was a great night. we got kicked out for attempting to consume alcohol. but we hugged most of the band members, so it was okay.
i tried salvia friday. that was intense. i blacked out for a good 10 minutes. if anyone has the chance to do it, i say go for it. you have to have a lot, though. it's crazy shit! i tried to cut my hands off.
*note: do not have access to any sharp objects while on salvia.
i went to andrew's yesterday. i really missed him. i haven't been spending as much time with him lately as i have a few months ago.
so i went to andrew's again today. i napped all through his family's cookout thing, and i drooled on his bed. but when andrew was driving me back home during the rain storm, we pulled over and had sex in a field. i have mosquito bites in the worst places.
i don't know if i've ever "made love". that sounds...all gooey and shit, with candles and marvin gaye, and rose petals continuously (sp?) falling from the ceiling. that sounds like crap to me. why would anyone like this?
huh?!
answer me!
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[24 May 2004|12:49pm] |
i am chillin with steph at nova.
yep. i made one of those hotornot accounts. fun.
and i'm out!
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[23 May 2004|09:58pm] |
So, I took another one of those home pregnancy tests. Negative, of course. It's always negative! I want so badly to have a baby. But it's never the right time. I don't care! I don't care. I want a baby. I need one. NEEEEEEEED!!
And prom is going to make me sad. I know already.
CHRIS!! CHRIS!!! Um, the uh...if it's possible, would I be able to...dammit. Talk to Andrew, or call me (anytime, I'm off work tomorrow) please. 703 501-3239. Muchas gracias!
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[13 May 2004|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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who will miss me? charlotte, andrew, steph, tim. sam maybe.
i must last until prom. no, the hfestival thing. i don't...okay, no. until graduation. i want to be there for andrew and tim.
okay, i'm excited. this will give me something to preoccupy my mind with. now all that's left is how. hot bath with razor blades? a car crash? no, nothing with my car. i love my car. it must live on. okay, keep thinking. a "freak accident" at work? maybe my family will get money. hm...how about a nice overdose in my room? nah, maybe at a party. no, no party. my room. but however it is, i want to listen to radiohead's amnesiac. especially the last song. oh! i do have rat poison. slip it in some food, nobody would know. then just...get sick and stuff. nobody has to know. shhhh, it's a secret. change this to private.
and dammit, andrew. don't read my private entries!
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[13 May 2004|05:34pm] |
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mood |
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well, hanging out with mike went as expected. although i admit, i did kind of hope we could have been friends again. but...when i fuck up, people get mad. hey, it happens.
charlotte, i'm not mad at you. yesterday was a steffie night, and i was planning on talking to andrew on the phone afterwards. just because i didn't come over doesn't mean i hate you! red eggs with legs!
my mom sucks a buncha cock. it's getting too hot outside. my feet hurt. i miss my boyfriend.
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[12 May 2004|02:32am] |
geez. i'm bored.
and i'm lonely. not in the sexual kind of way, just...i want to talk to somebody right now. i wish i had more friends. like, people who would want to hang out and stuff.
anyone want to? i've been told that i'm "nice" and "a good listener". so if you'd like to talk about anything, or if people have been being mean to you all day, then...you know. i'm here.
cell: (703) 501-3239
i need a life. goddamn.
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[12 May 2004|12:32am] |
hey everyone!
i'd just like to apologize for that last entry. a little bit too dramatic, i think. it all clogged up your friends page and stuff...egh, i'm sorry.
but, i'm okay now.
later.
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[11 May 2004|03:03am] |
i am a bad person
i said i wouldn't do that again. i swore i wouldn't be like charlotte. i made a pact and i expected him to follow it; he expected me to. i broke a promise. i am a terrible girl
i wanted him to trust me. how can he? these are untrustworthy actions. i lied. i am a bitch
mike is right. i am manipulative and evil and i use people. i make them trust me while in my head i am attacking them. charlotte is right. my relationship with andrew is a lie if i'm deliberately going behind his back to hurt him. i am hurting him.
how can i say i care about him, when i'm hurting him? don't i care about his feelings? don't i care about him? do i care at all? don't i care? i am not a person. i have no regard for others' feelings. how did i become this way? i liked pleasing everybody. i love having people's approval. when did i become this insensitive? what the fuck is going on??
i need to change. seriously. if i love andrew, then i will. i definitely want to. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i can't lose him again. but i'm going to drive him away! i can't do that. i need him. i NEED him. i love him. if i want to make him happy, it's simple. i just have to be myself. that's it. i can do that, it's not hard. i'm going to please him forever. he is beautiful. i will not take advantage of him. i will not force this incredible person out of my life.
i upset him. i can't believe how stupid i am. damn, april! it's not so hard! just don't drink or do drugs! oh my god. it's not going to kill me. why would i ever do this in the first place? shouldn't i have learned from before how much i need him? don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him don't upset him
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[09 May 2004|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 exanimate |
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to all my fellow depression-medication-takers:
would it be okay if i doubled my dosage (i'm taking prozac)? or should i just ask my doctor?
i just don't want to make an appointment a month in advance, drive all the way down to woodbridge, and wait with old smelly people to ask the same question.
but...it's just not working anymore. and i'm not sure if it's all safe and stuff to double it.
so if anyone can help, that'd be great.
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[08 May 2004|09:53pm] |
first, i want to say that the day before yesterday, i made andrew laugh a lot. i was happy. he hasn't laughed like that (with me) in a little while.
anyways, andrew and i are making my mom a cake now. he's a fantastic cook. i love him. he got all excited because he knew what he wanted to do for the designs and stuff.
i got my "glamour shots" pictures back. if anyone wants to see them, then...*shrug*.
i am going to hang out with tim monday.
cool. i'm good now.
and you know what?!?!?!
andrew kicks ass.
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